stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
