dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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