The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
