Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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