Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
