The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
