The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just googled if crying burns calories
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
