she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
