high people should be assigned attendants
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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