apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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