Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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