he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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