I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
