my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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