My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is wine microwaveable?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
