i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
PANTIES FOUND
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