next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
