Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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