I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
