I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
