Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
