My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i need some magic done to my vagina
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
