I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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