dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I pour the whiskey from now on
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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