when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
