Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
accomplished twins. life is a go
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
