I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
two words...techno handjob
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
