Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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