I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
