so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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