Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
try to milk me bitch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
