i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
