just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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