I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
