My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I had your ass I would rule the world
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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