My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
