i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
