Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
