I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
