i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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