A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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