Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
