Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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