i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
