I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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