He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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