Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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