I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
