Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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