"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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