i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
