Your dad touched me again.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
