Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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